Selfish To The Last
by Vilva
Summary: Yugi can't cry.


**A/N: **I really should be working on Chaotic Saga. I really really shouldn't not be indulging in nostalgia. Yetch. Bear with me and read this puddle of angst!

Disclaimer: I own jack (nothing).

Please read and review! It makes me happy!

* * *

I watched you walk away. You had this sad but satisfied smile, as if you was doing something good for me, as if you were a stranger who didn't belong. But of course you didn't. And now you are finally leaving.

I'm willing to admit it. At first you scared me. Waking up with strange scars and bruises and blanks in my memory, that terrified me. You terrified me, with your crazed eyes and reckless behavior.

Setting a man on fire? Playing with gunpowder? Scarring people psychologically? You left a path of destruction, all in the name of protecting me. But you did something no one else ever did for me. You cared.

In your own twisted way you cared. Of course back then Anzu and grandpa cared too but I never told them what was wrong. They probably guessed but refrained from interfering, giving me privacy.

You on the other hand, burst into my mind, kicking down all my doors and setting fire to a few of them in the process. I hated you for that. Wasn't I already vulnerable enough? Why did you have to go destroy the one defense I had left?

It was so easy to hate you. I almost did.

Then you started trying to solve my problems, in the clumsy chaotic way a child will attempt to help in the kitchen. Everywhere you went, you just seemed to create more complications.

But I still couldn't hate you. How could I when I literally felt your good intentions pouring through that cursed mind link. I wanted to hate you but I made the mistake of understanding you. I should have just shut you out, treated you like the parasite and intruder you were. But I didn't and now I'm paying the price.

You gave me friends, strength, inspiration, and encouragement.

And now you're gone.

"It'll be better for you when I'm gone," you say, smiling that infuriating 'this is for you' smile. "I don't belong here."

Well who the heck gets to decide what is good for me? That's right, me.

I'm tired of this. Tired of being selfless and being dragged around by your whims. You gave me so much but you won't let me give you back anything.

They all leave me alone, giving me space. I appreciate it but at the same time I hate it. All I want to do is forget any of this happened. Forget that you existed at all.

Anzu's crying openly, of course, waterfalls of tears for the man she 'loved'. She's still in shock, mouth opening and closing soundlessly, body occasionally jerking with a whimper. I know I should feel sorry for her but I can't. She didn't spend every hour of the past couple of years with her in your head but that's teenage girl for you. Anzu never knew you. But then again, I suppose I never did either.

Jou's also crying, leaning against the airport wall, fists clenched, grinding his teeth trying to muffle his sobs. He's failing of course. We can all hear, in HD clarity, as he curses you from head to toe. Jou has always tried to convince everyone, including himself, that he is strong. He already is strong, just not in the way he wants to be.

Bakura is by himself, back turned towards the group, hiding his expression. His posture is stiff and his spine straight, refined as royalty. But I see his fingers twitch and curl, weakly clutching at the center of his chest. Whether he likes it or not, Bakura misses the ring. Why on earth someone would miss that particular artifact is beyond me. Something wretched and deprived inside of me hopes that he is experiencing the same emptiness and that perhaps I'm not alone. That something also tells me, however, that I am the last person he wants to talk to right now. So I leave him alone.

Honda and Otogi are sitting in the corner speaking in hushed murmurs, tear tracks already drying on their cheeks. I don't resent them for it all and I understand that they were never really close to you. Occasionally they glance in my direction. I answer them with my steadiest stare until they turn away in discomfort.

The Ishtars have long stepped out, allowing us to grieve together. I suppose the group is grateful but I for one don't care. I don't have any tears to hide.

"Yu-yugi."

It's Anzu, voice trembling, who stands up first on shaky legs. Shaking with every step she walks toward me. She wipes her hand fiercely across her eyes, a useless action as more tears just take their place. I turn towards her and smile. "Yeah Anzu?" Anzu opens her mouth to say something but then her eyes flicker across my face. Her eyes widen and she looks...scared. The fear quickly turns to sadness though, leaving me confused.

"Yugi...are you alright?"

I smile again as the conversation returns to predictable waters. "I'm fine Anzu, just a little tired."

She nods slowly, eyes never leaving my face for some reason. Jou peals himself off the wall and make his weary way over as well. His hand roughly claps down on my shoulder, provoking a half-glare from Anzu.

"Don't worry Yug'" his voice is thick and gruff. He studiously avoids my gaze. "We'll make it though this together."

I brighten my smile and give him my customary thanks for being such a good friend and I am in the middle of telling him how much I appreciate him when I notice that now both he and Anzu are looking at me strangely. I am now even more confused. Perhaps it was my hair? I mean even after years of friendship, they still might not be used to such a crazy hairstyle. You, on the other hand, took it into stride, not even glancing at it the first time we met face to face in the Millennium puzzle. Maybe you sporting an identical hairstyle had something to do with it.

"Yug'...you alright?"

Raising an eyebrow I reply with a slow 'yes?'. Anzu and Jou exchange glances and now I'm beginning to feel a bit annoyed. Honda and Otogi are coming this way as well. Now only Bakura isn't staring at me in some way.

What is going on?

"Hey," I smile and, to clear this odd tension, laugh a little. "What's wrong with you all?"

Anzu makes this weird half-choking noise in the back of her throat, more tears rushing out. She opens her mouth but only incomprehensible babble comes out. "Yu-yu...Oh god Yu-yugi...no no no...'s okay 's okay.."

Before I can do anything she latches onto me, now sobbing openly. I squirm unsuccessfully in her tightening grip. "Er-ah Anzu I can't breath-" She only sobs harder. So I hang there limply, embarrassed at my continuous lack of physical strength.

To make matters worse, Jou joins the hug, pulling in both Anzu and I. "'S kay Yug'" he murmurs hoarse voice carrying over Anzu's gasps and weeping. Honda and Otogi hover in the background uncertain of what to do, before simply standing guard, like they're at some kind of funeral. I am dimly aware of Bakura still gazing at the wall as if it held the secrets to the universe.

Jou says something. "What?" I stretch my neck over Anzu's trembling shoulder. "Sorry I missed that."

What he says makes the hairs of my neck stand up and my spine stiffen until I'm impersonating Bakura. "Yug' you can cry now..."

Huh. Would you look at that. I'm not crying. Me, Yugi the most emotional of the group, am not crying. No, I realize with a sinking feeling, I can't cry. It hits me like a sucker punch in the stomach. I can't cry. Right when I need it, I lost the ability to cry. I can't cry for you. I can't cry for you, my best friend, my other half. No. No no no no.

I remember something randomly. My grandpa, standing there rubbing the back of sixth grade me. The tears had come in like waves as I clutched onto the dead, frail body of my first pet, a bird with some forgotten name. "Why!" I had wailed. "Why do I keep crying!? Why am I so weak?!" My grandpa had simply hugged me and rocked me comfortably.

"Yugi, you might not understand it now," he had said. "But your tears are the best way for you to communicate your feelings. Don't be afraid to cry. It's the best way to show that you care. Be scared of when you can't cry. Living with emotion is what makes us human. It's painful but you must never lose it." I had nodded and, after carefully setting the bird aside, had returned the hug as best as I could/

And now I can't cry. I suppose by some standard I'm strong but why? Why now?

I reach for something inside of me, grappling frantically. There's got to be some part of me that is still whole and selfless enough to cry for you, even as I hurt like this. But there is nothing, just wispy detatchment.

"No," I whisper to myself. I can feel the emptiness spread. Bakura stares at a wall missing for something that hurt him beyond imagination. Honda and Otogi stand protectively against...something. Jou and Anzu continue to cry. For me.

This wasn't supposed to happen. I just wanted friends. It wasn't supposed to end like this.

"You're strong partner," you smile. We are face to face for the first time in the real world and this is how it is. "You'll be fine."

"No," I whisper again. "No I'm not." Would you look at that. I can't hate you, you made sure of that, but I'm so broken that I can't even cry for you.

You, the one person who saved me from impending depression, who fought for me and cheered me up. You who made me feel weak but also was the first person to tell me my sensitivity was a strength. I wonder how you managed to do all that and still be selfish to the last.

* * *

**A/N: **I would like to thank Yami for being a jerk and leaving. This was a children's show. Why am I able to write angst? :((((


End file.
